Posts Tagged ‘Near death experience’

A year ago, I died.

I don’t know how it happened, or when, or if it even registered on all the gizmos and machines I was hooked up to in the operating room.  But, I know that I did, and it has taken me a year- a YEAR- to wrap my head around what happened to me and be able to relate it in a way that makes sense to anyone reading this.  I should also say there is only one other person that knows the full extent of what occurred, what I saw, what was said to me.  I entrusted it to this person because, well, she’s a believer, like me- she believes there’s something beyond all THIS, even though she’s never seen it, or seen evidence of it.  Now, because of what happened to me, she KNOWS, just like I do, that THIS is not what we think it is.

Let me begin by saying there was no Tunnel, no White Light, no warm fuzzy Beings enticing me to join them.  There was only my father, passed now nearly 15 years, sitting on a park bench beside a lake I was later to learn was in Los Alamos, New Mexico.  He was enjoying a sunny day with many people in the park, picnicking, playing frisbee.  He sat there on the bench with my dog, Jake, also gone nearly as long now, reading the paper, drinking coffee from a brown flowered coffee mug I recognized only too well.  Dad was happy to see me, hugged me….and then asked what the hell I was doing there.  Naturally, I was all caught up in the whole “wow-Dad-it’s-so-good-to-see-you” mode and didn’t have any answer at first.  And then, it hit me:  shit.  I’m dead.  “No, you’re not”, he told me.  “Not yet.  You have a choice.  And right now I don’t want you here.  Right now, you’re not supposed to BE here, and you gotta go.”

Well, THAT sorta sucked.

Here I went to all the trouble of dying, and Dad didn’t want me there.

It was all over in an instant and I woke up in ICU wondering what the hell had happened.  It took me MONTHS to tell anyone.  It’s hard to write about, and even harder to talk about- this is the first my own mother is learning about the actual event.  But, it’s not the EVENT that is the important thing here; it’s what happened to me AFTER.

I came back different.  Even now, I’m not entirely sure I can articulate this in a manner that does not make me sound like I’ve spent too much time on a Vicodin holiday.  I think the people around me know something’s up, I think they sense that I’m not the same.  I think they ascribe it to the actual physical events that led up to me being in that operating room in the first place.  It’s more than that.  I came back different, true.  But, I came back feeling more like ME than I ever had felt before.

Since I “came back”, I’m happy 95% of the time.  For absolutely no reason at all.  Because of that, the rest of my life is changing, falling into place, reorganizing and reprioritizing itself.  Every day brings something new and fun and surprising.  I’ve learned things about myself I never knew, and things I thought I knew are no longer true.  I’m Scottish, I have a hair-trigger and a zero tolerance for stupidity; that hasn’t changed.  But, I find the things I flip out over being fewer and fewer and fewer.  Some might say this is just the discerning wisdom that comes with age; anyone that really knows me would say THAT’S bullshit, for sure.  But, I think they would ALL agree I’m not the same person I was a year ago.

I LIKE who I am now, who I’m becoming, because we’re all always in that state of BEcoming; that’s why we’re human BEings, not human DONEings.  I think this is problematic for some of the people close to me.  For others, it’s been received more like “well-what-TOOK-you-so-long?”.  I know there are some people that will not be part of my reality down the road-just like I know the bond I have with others will make us inseparable.  And I’ve learned to live my life by (and forgive my lame attempt at Scots-Gaelic here): “Na Iomall- Na Eagal”- No Fear, No Limits.

That’s the important thing to take away from all this; not that I looked Death in the face and said “Whatever,man”, or even that I “came back” different.  The important thing to take away from all this is that there ARE no accidents- the Universe DOES NOT make mistakes.  And no matter where you are or what you’re currently living, there is always-ALWAYS-a choice.  I have a perfect life. Nothing has changed, really.  I still have enough red hair for three people, I still live in the same house, I still have my beloved coonhound, Isabel, and I’m still waiting to move to that island with Naveen.  But, now I know- I KNOW– there’s more to this life than what we can only see.    I don’t walk into the grocery store and ignore the prices.  Yet.  I don’t have that strong size 4 body again.  Yet.  But, my life IS perfect because it’s all about perception.  I have such a greater appreciation for everything from the spider webs that form in their unrivaled intricacy across my begonias to the advice my mother offers or the stories of the Old Days she tells.  I love more unconditionally and had even made friends with individuals that some would consider strange bedfellows.  I forgive quicker, calm down sooner.  All because I now KNOW our lives are a DIRECT REFLECTION of our perspective.  Because I KNOW there is a Source, a Wise Intelligence, A Higher Self, that exists in each and every one of us that is ALWAYS on our side, that is ALWAYS in concert with our desires and goals.  If we tune into it- we don’t even have to hear it in the full Jane Roberts sense- if we can just FEEL it- Life changes in the most dramatic of ways.  Relationships evolve, situations shift, and our own emotions somehow smooth out and allow us a heightened sense of clarity and purpose.

It would take months for me to recover but my doctors were all amazed at the recovery I did make.  Apparently, for anyone else it would have taken much longer.  I can only attribute that recovery and my ongoing return to perfect health because of that shift in my perspective.  I’ve related this here because I’m hoping whoever reads this will understand that it’s not necessary to have a Near Death Experience to achieve the state of mind and emotional well being I have now.  I honestly thought it would wear off; that it was just a by-product of being so grateful to be alive.  Instead of diminishing, however, it’s only gotten stronger- more.  For everyone that’s reading this, I wish the same for you.  I wish that you can find this place as well, sans NDE.  I wish that every morning you wake and smile and your first thought is “I wonder what surprises are ahead today” and mean it with anticipation.  I wish we could ALL approach life that way, understanding we have the choice to create what we want by shifting our perspective.  In the end, I think we all will, as Humans.  I think that’s the next step in our evolution; creating happiness inside us right where we are, then watching it manifest around us.  Until then, I’ll wait right here, willing to share my own observations, my own experience, and FEELING good every day……..

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